Rurouni Kenshin Sports Unlimited (nine-ball)
by Escada Konrad
Summary: A nine-ball tournament between Saitoh and Kenshin...somehow


Disclaimer All rights and privileges to Rurouni Kenshin belong to Nobuhiro Watsuki, Shuiesha, Sony Music Entertainment, and other related parties. The characters of this story are used without permission for the purpose of entertainment only. This work of fiction is not meant for sale or profit. Please don't sue. ____________________________________________________________________  
  
--Rurouni Kenshin Sports Unlimited-- _________________________________________________________  
  
*** Host: Good Morning. Today in RKSU we will take you to see some of today's best in sports here in Japan. Today, we will be covering the championship game for the recent Tokyo nine-ball tournament. Stay tuned and Rurouni Kenshin Sports Unlimited will be back after a short break.  
  
******  
  
The screen turns black.  
  
It slowly reappears with an overhead view of an ancient Roman arena. The camera slowly focuses on two figures in a furious fight to the death. Light danced in the air as it was reflected on their swords that flashed through the air in a vivid dance of death (tigers can be seen in the background).  
  
The masked fighter, the larger of the two, swung down his sword on the shorter but definitely not weaker gladiator (Maximus?). As the dry air vibrated with the impact of the sword against the smaller gladiator's (I think I'll call him Maximus nalang, ok?) shield, the camera focuses on his face in slow motion. The smaller gladiator's face twisted in pain from the impact. Maximus then retaliated with a swift blow aiming for the masked person's neck. It was blocked. The camera focuses on the masked person's face in slow motion as the impact was heard (also in slow motion). His face cannot be seen but a deep resonant moan can be heard from under the mask. The masked person also tried hitting back, and again, struck Maximus' shield. In slow motion, the camera focuses once again on Maximus's face. His eyes were shut tight from the pain of the impact. Maximus' face was a tightened mask of agony and his lower jaw jutted out baring his teeth because of the pain.  
  
Then, before any of this pathetic and pointless public display of stupidity was able to degrade their souls any further, someone from behind them shouted, "STOP!!"  
  
The two fighters stopped and stepped back to look at the stranger. Usui walked towards the camera and stood between the two gladiators.  
  
"Are you tired of the pain that your shield brings to your sensitive arms?" Usui said matter-of-factly as he took Maximus' shield.  
  
Usui then tossed away the metal buckler as he said, "Then rid yourselves of such barbaric tools and stop dwelling in the past." Taking out his tortoise shield with the 'eye' drawing, Usui continues, "And buy the all new TS-51 war shield."  
  
"TS-51 war shield?" The two gladiators repeated with a dumb sounding exaggeration.  
  
"Yes, the TS-51 war shield. Now, not only can you easily shrug away those annoying Gatotsu thrusts, but it also provides your arm with the best comforts and protection modern technology can offer. It has a carefully designed handle and adjustable straps. It also has a thick, soft padding with a built-in massager to provide your arm with all the comforts it deserves. It also comes with a cylinder of pepper spray for your protection from any of those would be attackers, perverts, or just for plain and simple dirty underhanded tricks during a fight. As a bonus, you will be receiving free gift packs with your very own blindfold with authentic 'eye' drawing for every purchase."  
  
The two gladiators looked at each other and nodded in agreement.  
  
The camera angle shifts and Usui turns to face it. "So get your own TS-51 war shields now while supplies last. Do remember that the generous animals supplying our materials are swiftly disappearing from the face of this planet." A telephone number flashes at the bottom of the screen and Usui said, "So pick up your phone now and order your own TS-51 war shield today."  
  
The scene then returns to the gladiators trying to assist each other to meet their untimely demise. Only that this time, they were carrying TS- 51 war shields instead of their old metal bucklers. The masked person swung down his sword and Maximus blocked it with his shield. The camera focuses on Maximus' face in slow motion. His eyes were shut tight in ecstasy and tears were flowing from it. Maximus' licked his lips in erotic abandon as he giggled away and sparkling beads of sweat flew in the air. Maximus also swings his sword and the masked person blocked it with his own shield. The camera focuses on the masked person's face in slow motion. He then swings his head from side to side in total bliss and giggled like a schoolgirl. Screen slowly zooms out and the camera fades to black.  
  
******  
  
Jeff: Welcome back, we are now about to witness the championship game for the Tokyo nine-ball tournament between Hajime Saitoh and Himura Kenshin.  
  
Bob: And looking back at their previous games in the Tournament, I believe this will be quite an interesting match.  
  
Jeff: Yes, your right about that Bob. Saitoh's Gatotsu ho-hummed him through his previous opponents, and Himura's consistency in his previous games makes him another force to reckon with in this sport. Now ladies and gentlemen, the game is about to start.  
  
Bob: Yes, the players are now ready to begin. Let's get a closer look at the table.  
  
**View shifts to the table**  
  
The balls are now in place and Kenshin and Saitoh are ready to begin. Kenshin quietly and calmly waits in his chair with his eyes closed as Saitoh walked over to the table.  
  
Saitoh walked with his usual air of confidence and cigarette smoke. He stopped beside the table as he took in one last puff at his cigarette and stubbed it out at the side of the table. Saitoh then looks up at the ceiling and blows out the smoke.  
  
Saitoh narrowed his eyes at the balls and was silent. After a few moments, Saitoh widened his stance and held the stick at the end of the handle with his left hand. Keeping his cold, piercing stare on the balls, he slowly lowered himself into his Gatotsu stance.  
  
Everybody in the room, except Kenshin (still with his eyes closed), held their breath as they waited for Saitoh. A minute heavy with intense silence painfully passed by. Saitoh was still in his Gatotsu stance, staring at the balls, staring...  
  
The onlookers are now either in unusual shades of pink or blue and purple. One by one, the people who were watching started to faint (they were holding their breath...).  
  
Then all of a sudden, screams of morally offending obscenities that are yet unheard of filled the room. The audience turned towards the source of the sound (saving them from possible suffocation) to see who the intellectually deprived individual trying to insult Saitoh was. It was Sanosuke.  
  
Sanosuke proceeded with his public barrage of curses. But even if his open demonstration of his colorful vocabulary was not at all discreetly directed to Saitoh, Saitoh was unmoved. He kept his dagger eyed stare on the innocent balls.  
  
Sanosuke: #@$#;@!, and what's more, #@^$%*(^&#  
  
Saitoh: ...  
  
Sanosuke: @$#!!ñ(!@cop#*/!@!  
  
Saitoh: Ako...  
  
Sanosuke: !^%$$#(*@^@!/%8@%(...  
  
Saitoh: Zoku...  
  
Sanosuke: $#@$!! GIT'ATTA HERE!!$@*!  
  
Saitoh: Zan...  
  
Sanosuke: ...  
  
In a blink of an eye, Saitoh thrust his stick with full force so swiftly that it was almost impossible to see.  
  
Jeff: DID you see that!? Saitoh had just used his famous Gatotsu Zero Shiki. Even though how many times I have seen it, it still never ceases to amaze me. You saw the inhuman power put into that thrust. It sent the ball straight...straight right...right off the table?  
  
Sanosuke is now under a pile of chairs that he fell on and only his twitching legs were visible from the pile. A man cautiously peered into the pile.  
  
Man: ...I think it's still alive...  
  
Saitoh quietly left the table and returned to his chair, "Stupid moron."  
  
Kenshin was still sitting down with his eyes closed. His breathing was getting heavy and he was drawing in rough breaths. He then slowly lowered his head and his hair covered his eyes. It almost seemed like time was in slow motion when Kenshin finally started to stand up with the gentle precision of a cat.  
  
After a short pause, Himura finally opened his eyes and lifted his head to face the camera. The eyes that met the camera were enough to have made Fuji run away and cower like a baby. The amber eyes of the Battousai reminded every heart in the room how fear felt like. He then settled his deadly gaze upon the balls with enough intensity to have burned a hole into the table.  
  
Kenshin moved towards the table. His red hair whipped furiously in the wind (don't look at me, I'm not with the special effects crew) as he studied the unmoving (of course) balls.  
  
In one fluid motion, a scene that most of those who have seen it never lived to tell the tale took place right before their eyes. It was what gave him his name, the Hitokiri Battousai. In a moment that was captured in their memories for a lifetime, they watched Kenshin as he took his Batou stance.  
  
Jeff: Is he thinking what I think he's thinking? He's going to...  
  
Bob: I still remember when he first used his Amakakeru Ryu no Hirameki. He actually split the table in half.  
  
Jeff: That wasn't in this tournament at least.  
  
Bob: The game's done for...  
  
Kenshin slowly tightened his grip on the stick for the strike. Most of the people in the room were confused for they have not yet witnessed such. The announcers were hysterical. The people in the front row were taking cover. The spider was eating a fly. Kamatari is cross-dressing. The earth is rotating on its axis. A paramecium is in the process of cell division. Suddenly, A generous amount of water was unconditionally donated to Himura's head.  
  
Kenshin: ORO!?...  
  
Saitoh tossed away the empty bucket and quietly walked back to his chair, "Stupid moron."  
  
It took a while for Kenshin to take in what was happening. And after a minute, Himura was on his way back to the table. He took his stick and held it at the end opposite the handle (reversed) and position himself beside the table.  
  
Jeff: Whew. I'm glad he woke up. Kenshin is now preparing to break like ah...well almost...normally...  
  
Bob: Now Jeff, you know how serious he is with his new life. I hear he even has a custom made, reversed tip toothbrush. Well, that was a fantastic break. He sent in the number 2 and 6.  
  
  
  
Jeff: He IS one of the best, you can't expect anything less. This next shot isn't easy though...and he misses it but successfully hides the ball to give Saitoh a hard time.  
  
Kenshin walks back to his chair as Saitoh makes his way to the table. Saitoh was sweating and his hands were slightly trembling. He misses the shot and walked back to his chair.  
  
Kenshin finished the set and prepared to break for the next set. Saitoh is now visibly pale and was sweating profusely. His eyes stared blankly into midair and he was clutching his shirt pocket. His hands were now shaking uncontrollably.  
  
Jeff: Kenshin did very well with the first set. He finished it off after Saitoh made a mistake.  
  
Bob: Now, Kenshin misses again and it is Saitoh's turn again on the table.  
  
Jeff: Saitoh had always finished up a set if he was given a chance to be at the table. Now he...he sent the cue ball right into the side pocket...oh well...  
  
Saitoh returned to his chair and resumed his shuddering and paling episodes.  
  
Saitoh: (...must have cigarette...must have...)  
  
A man shifts in his seat. A very faint (the faintest) sound of plastic in his pocket made a mistake to vibrate in the air. No creature in the planet could have detected such an insignificant sound, but to the ears of desperate Saitoh at the end of his ropes, it was the sound of a wounded elephant's wail. It was his prey.  
  
Saitoh suddenly turns with bloodshot eyes towards the sound and settled his gaze upon the innocent man. His eyes spelled out to the man, "I'm going to tear your guts out with my bare hands, throw them into the river and watch the fishes feed on it while I kick back and smoke your cigarette."  
  
Man: (M-m-mommy...)  
  
Saitoh: GRAAAAH!!! [leaps unto the audience]  
  
Man: AAAAEEeeeeeeeeehh...  
  
Saitoh: GREAARGH!!!  
  
The man now has totally fainted and Saitoh ransacked his pockets like a maddened animal. Saitoh found the cigarette pack and started fumbling for its contents. It was empty. Saitoh froze at the sight. He desperately scanned the room with his bloodshot eyes. Glaring at nothing in particular.  
  
Saitoh: (...can't breath, must have cigarette...)  
  
Saitoh focused his death stare at another man and without a moment's hesitation, leapt at him.  
  
Saitoh: GIVE ME YOIUR CIGARETTE!!!  
  
Man: I...  
  
Saitoh: YOU LIE!!! [Saitoh proceeds to cutting of the air supply of his prey]  
  
Man: *wheeez*  
  
Saitoh: HAAAAAH!!!  
  
Man: *wheeze*  
  
Kenshin: STOP THE KILLING!! STOP THE BLOODSHED!!  
  
Saitoh: REEAAARGH!!  
  
Man: ....  
  
Saitoh: GRAAAH!!!  
  
Man: ....  
  
Jeff: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us tonight...um, that's it for the game...I...uh, goodnight... get off the air! There are children watching!  
  
Kenshin: STOP THE KILLING!! STOP THE BLOODSHED!!  
  
***  
  
Host: We sincerely apologize for cutting short our episode of Rurouni Kenshin Sports Unlimited tonight. The, well, incident was beyond the organizers, um, preparations. The authorities are now about to send in a special unit to deliver Mr. Hajime's cigarettes. This is your host, Drei Ascunsion saying, good night.  
  
*** ________________________________________________________  
  
[ending credits] ________________________________________________________ 


End file.
